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Can you learn to be a better friend?
C190 minsNew. New: checked automatically for level, grammar, facts and originality; a teacher's review is still to come. Spotted a mistake? Tell us.friendshiprelationshipscommunicationpsychology
Video: How to Deepen Your Friendships
About this lesson
An advanced lesson built on a short School of Life video that sets out eight principles of being a good friend. Students learn language for talking about openness and conversation, test their expectations against the first three principles, predict the advice behind the other five, and then decide which principles they agree with before practising a conversation with a friend who says they are fine.
- Learn eight phrases for talking about friendship and honest conversation.
- Decide whether statements about the first three principles are true, then correct the false ones.
- Predict the advice behind the last five principles and check it against the video.
- Agree or disagree with the principles and say which you would change.
- Use the language in a role-play with a friend who isn't quite fine.
Target vocabulary
be inclined totease something outscratch the surfacelet your guard downmake room for somethingbe liable topet subjecttake something at face value
Lesson activities
Let's get started with a warm-up
1
What makes a good friend?
Rank the qualities below from most to least important in a close friend. Then, compare your ranking with a partner and explain your top and bottom choices.
- makes you laugh
- keeps your secrets
- tells you honestly when you are wrong
- listens without interrupting
- shares your interests
- is there for you in a crisis
- talks openly about their own problems
- remembers the small details of your life
Let's learn some vocabulary!
2
Going deeper
Read the sentences and match the phrases in bold with the correct meanings below.
a)Most of us are inclined to assume that close friendships simply happen by luck.
b)Over dinner, his sister gently teased the truth out of him.
c)Our weekly chats barely scratch the surface of what is going on in our lives.
d)Only after everyone had gone home did Tom finally let his guard down.
e)A good listener makes room for silence instead of rushing to fill every pause.
f)When people are exhausted, they are liable to say things they later regret.
g)Once Priya gets onto her pet subject, football tactics, there's no stopping her.
h)Don't take her cheerful messages at face value; she has had a really difficult month.
MEANINGS:
- allow space or time for something
- accept something as it appears, without looking for a hidden meaning
- tend to think or behave in a particular way
- a topic someone especially loves to talk about, often at length
- deal with only a small, superficial part of something
- be likely to do something, often something unwanted
- stop protecting yourself and show your real feelings
- gradually get information or feelings from someone who doesn't share them easily
3
Talking about friends
Complete the gaps with the phrases from ex. 2. Then, choose four questions to ask your partner.
You may need to change the form of the verb.
a)Are you someone who open up to new people quickly, or do you take your time?
b)When a friend is clearly upset but won't say why, how do you gently ?
c)Do your conversations with colleagues ever go beyond , or do they stay on safe topics?
d)Who is the one person you can completely with, and why them?
e)In a busy week, how do you the people who matter most to you?
f)Which bad habits do you think people fall into when they are nervous in a conversation?
g)What's your , and how do you stop yourself talking about it for too long?
h)When a friend says they're fine, do you usually , or do you ask again?
Now, we'll put it into practice!
4
Four conversations
Look at the four photos. Then, discuss the questions, using the phrases in the box.
A
B
C
Dbe inclined totease something outscratch the surfacelet your guard downmake room for somethingbe liable topet subjecttake something at face value
- Which conversation do you think only scratches the surface, and which one goes deeper? What makes you think so?
- In which setting would you find it easiest to let your guard down, and why?
- Photo D shows friends together but not obviously talking. Can a close friendship make room for silence?
- Choose one photo and imagine the conversation: what is one person trying to tease out of the other, and how?
5
Eight principles
Discuss the questions.
- The video claims that being a good friend follows principles that can be identified and taught. Before you watch, do you think friendship is a skill or a happy accident?
- The video sets out eight principles. In pairs, write a list of five pieces of advice you think it might give, and keep it for ex. 8.
- Which piece of advice on your list do you think most people find hardest to follow?
Let's watch!
6
The first three principles
Watch to 01:55
Read the statements and decide if they are true or false. Then, watch the first part of a video [https://youtu.be/iz3iU3LWRM8] (to 01:55) and check your answers. Correct the false ones.
a)The narrator thinks the idea that good friendship is about finding someone you naturally click with is a helpful one.
b)According to the video, nobody is born knowing how to be a good friend.
c)The narrator says that society generally encourages people to have deep conversations.
d)One suggestion is to talk about your own fears to help the other person open up.
e)A cheerful question such as 'Is everything OK then?' is recommended as a gentle way to start.
f)The third principle is about not always speaking or interrupting.
7
The last five principles
Watch from 01:55
Read the headings of principles 4 to 8 and complete the notes with the advice you think the narrator will give. Then, watch the second part of the video (from 01:55) and check your answers.
a)Principle 4 (explore yourself first): getting to know yourself well helps you because .
b)Principle 5 (don't talk too much): before you talk at length about a favourite topic, ask yourself .
c)Principle 6 (make space for strangeness): remember that .
d)Principle 7 (everyone is anxious and scared): however confident people seem, .
e)Principle 8 (love in a cold universe): because so much of the universe is cold and empty, we should .
Let's talk!
8
Do you agree?
Look at your list from ex. 5 again and compare it with the eight principles. Then, discuss the questions.
- Which of the eight principles do you already follow without thinking, and which would take real effort?
- The narrator argues that friendship is a skill rather than a mere happy accident. How far do you agree?
- Is it ever right to take a friend's 'I'm fine' at face value? When might asking again feel intrusive rather than caring?
- The video suggests sharing your own fears so that others will let their guard down. When might this work, and when could it backfire?
- Principle 7 asks us to assume that everyone is anxious inside, however confident they seem. Is that a kind assumption, an unfair one, or both?
- Do busy lives and messaging apps make us more liable to scratch the surface with friends, or do they help some people open up?
- The advice on pet subjects is to be ruthless. Is there a place in friendship for talking at length about what you love?
- Which principle would you remove, and what would you add in its place?
9
Say it another way
Rewrite the sentences using the phrases in brackets. Make any necessary changes.
a)Most people tend to believe that great friendships happen by chance.
b)It took a long walk, but I slowly found out what was really worrying my brother.
c)We've known each other for ten years, yet our conversations only ever deal with superficial things.
d)Nervous people are likely to talk too much about themselves.
e)Whenever we meet, Sam talks for ages about the topic he loves most: cycling.
f)She said she was fine, and I believed it without looking any deeper.
10
I'm fine, honestly
Read your role and act out the conversation. Then, swap roles and discuss which principles from the video made the biggest difference.
Student A
You have had a hard few weeks (choose the reason: too much work, a move, a problem you'd rather keep private). When your friend asks, you say you're fine. Only open up if your friend makes room for it.
Student B
Your friend seems quieter than usual. Use the principles from the video: ask open questions, share something about yourself, allow some silence, and don't take 'I'm fine' at face value.
be inclined totease something outscratch the surfacelet your guard downmake room for somethingbe liable topet subjecttake something at face value
Example
- B: You've been quiet tonight. How have the last few weeks been, really? / A: Oh, fine. Busy, but fine. / B: I'm not going to take that at face value! When work got on top of me last year, I kept saying I was fine too, and I wasn't. / A: Well, since you mention it, I'm inclined to keep things to myself, but it's actually been a tough month.
Spotted a mistake in this lesson?· tell us the exercise and item
Glossary
The 8 words and phrases this lesson teaches, in one set.
Talking about friendship and honest conversation
- be inclined to
- tend to think or behave in a particular way
- Most of us are inclined to assume that close friendships simply happen by luck.
- tease something out
- gradually get information or feelings from someone who doesn't share them easily
- Over dinner, his sister gently teased the truth out of him.
- scratch the surface
- deal with only a small, superficial part of something
- Our weekly chats barely scratch the surface of what is going on in our lives.
- let your guard down
- stop protecting yourself and show your real feelings
- Only after everyone had gone home did Tom finally let his guard down.
- make room for something
- allow space or time for something
- A good listener makes room for silence instead of rushing to fill every pause.
- be liable to
- be likely to do something, often something unwanted
- When people are exhausted, they are liable to say things they later regret.
- pet subject
- a topic someone especially loves to talk about, often at length
- Once Priya gets onto her pet subject, football tactics, there's no stopping her.
- take something at face value
- accept something as it appears, without looking for a hidden meaning
- Don't take her cheerful messages at face value; she has had a really difficult month.
Also in the video
Other words and phrases you'll hear, to help you follow the video. The lesson doesn't practise them.
- self-disclosure
- telling other people personal things about yourself
- throw off your mask
- stop hiding who you really are or how you really feel
- melancholy
- a quiet, lasting sadness
- unfurl
- (here) open out and develop gradually, like a flag or a leaf
- interlocutor
- the person you are having a conversation with
- jabber
- talk quickly and too much, without saying much of value
- dictum
- a short saying that expresses a general rule or truth
- pre-emptive
- done before something happens, to prepare for it or prevent it
- conviviality
- a friendly, cheerful atmosphere among people